My Dating Life.

I've been single for 5 months now.  Some of you will say that's nothing.  I say it's a lifetime...

I started dating when I was 14 (this does not include the one "boyfriend" I had in 5th grade...).  He was my first real kiss.  After he dumped me for not letting him go any further than kissing, I was devastated. Back then, I was the kind of girl who put everything into a person.  Heart, soul...hope.  

At 15, I got a new boyfriend.  He was from West and had a car.  Again, I put everything in to the relationship and at that age, kids were sexually active.  NOT ME.  This boyfriend told me who wouldn't have sex with anyone unless he was in love.  And low and behold, the next time we hung out, he told me he loved me.  Now if that isn't a 'playa playa' in the making!  I told him I liked him, but did not love him.  He didn't get laid and I didn't get my date for the Turnabout dance because he dumped me.

Right after that I started dating one of my best friends, I broke up with him, then started dating another friend.  (Never said that I was never at fault for break ups).  I met Larry while I was still dating someone, broke up with him and started dating Larry.  I was 16.

17, 18 then 19 years old came around.  I was still with Larry.  Around my 19th birthday, Larry proposed.  I said yes.  We were engaged.  On Mother's Day I took a pregnancy test which came back positive. Saturday January, 27th and had a beautiful baby boy, Payton.  When Payton was 5 months old, Larry and I got married.  It was a small back yard wedding at my parent's house and we had a reception after.  Flash forward a year and a half, December 2008.  I had become sick, dizzy, and my heart had become to race a couple times per day.  After almost passing out we decided to go to the hospital.  There, I found out I was pregnant.  Another baby!  Flash forward 7 months.  July 2008.  After coming home from a routine doctor visit I found Larry's wedding ring on the counter.  He had left me.  My marriage was over.  Thursday August 6, 2009 my water broke and I went into labor.  Larry decided not to come to the birth of Tyler, I did it without him, without anyone.  The divorce was final January 2010.

I had started dating one of my best friends after the divorce.  He picked up the pieces of my heart and tried so hard to glue them back together.  I just wasn't ready.  After 2 years of being together, I left him.  

Right after that, I started dating the worst mistake of my life.  I never...NEVER regretted being with anyone except for him.  Sociopathic sad excuse for a human being.  I put up with his bull shit for a year.  This relationship killed whatever self worth I had left from the many failed relationships before.  Emotionally damaging, I still have not recovered from this.  

And here I sit.  5 months after the break up with the psycho. My heart has been trying to tell my mind that it's time to let someone in.  My mind has taken over and is still emotionally exhausted from the failure that this life is.  And here I sit, thinking, maybe it is time?  Move slow...Listen to your broken and shattered heart for the cure that it needs.  And here I sit, scared that if I let another in, let another handle my heart...if it breaks again, there will be no glue strong enough to put the pieces together again.                          

This Is Me

I Am Me.

I am me.  I am not that skinny.  I have 2 kids.  I cry a little looking back at how I looked when I was in high school (skinny).  I usually only wear one pair of jeans because the rest of them I don't like the way they look on me.  I usually only wear dark colored clothes because I don't like the attention I think the bright colors will draw to me.  I usually wear baggier clothes because I don't like things hugging my imperfections.  I don't wear turtle necks or necklaces because I don't like things on my neck.  I don't have my ears pierced because putting the earrings in my ears make me sick just thinking about them going through my skin.  My laugh is loud and obnoxious.  I laugh when I am: nervous/ happy/depressed/in thought/drunk/mad, you get it....laughing is my default.  I don't cope well with hard to take news.  I pretend things don't exist if I don't want to deal with it.  My house isn't always clean, I will never tackle all the laundry in my house.  I get angry...a lot.  I always question why, why me?  What did I do?  I don't dress girly, and when I do I feel ridiculous.  I don't have fingernails because I bite them when I am nervous/bored/happy/sad/mad...that is my default also.  I am of Italian, Indian, German descent although the Italian is most prominent in my hair color and skin tone.  I have never had a successful relationship.  I am divorced.  I do not have many close friends.  I have more guy friends than girlfriends because I can't stand the way girls act most of the time.  I love to flirt.  I like to see how far I can take things.  I like to push people's buttons.  I'm pretty shy and quiet when I first meet someone.  I have a lot of balls when I am texting but could never say most things to one's face.  I have never hit anyone in the face but often fantasize about doing so. I work in IT.  I am the only woman on my IT team which makes it a little awesome (because I don't want to try and get along with other girls).  I like to cuddle up in my bed and watch the Lifetime channel on weekends.  That said, if I lay in bed for too long, I get a headache and my day is ruined (so why not spend it being un-showered and in bed watching Lifetime...).  I love watching re-runs of 90s sitcoms like Friends, Roseanne, Boy Meets World, Seinfeld, Home Improvement, Step by Step, and Grace Under Fire.  I am socially awkward.  I am extremely sarcastic, and use that as a defense.  I get anxiety a lot.  I only go out with my friends.  If I go out with other people, I'm usually the one who is awkward and weird and doesn't talk.  I'm somewhat of a homebody.  It usually takes some coaxing to get me out of the house, but when I do, I have a pretty good time.  My sisters make me laugh until I cry.  When we go out we're usually the loudest people in the restaurant, just on how much we laugh and talk.  I go to my parent's house every Tuesday for dinner.  I hate letting my feelings show, and that makes people think I'm strong willed.  I break down, just not in front of people.  I get my feelings hurt, but why let that slow you down?  Crying about it won't change anything.  I would love to pick up and move to a different state and start over.  I am forgetful.  I am living with a condition called a shattered heart.  I lose hope.           



Here I Sit

And here I sit...

Here I sit, 

Sad and confused.

Here I sit,

My mind is exhausted.

Here I sit,

My heart is broken.

Here I sit,

Alone, and afraid.

Here I sit,

Silent and listening.

Here I sit,

Ready for a change.

Here I sit,
Trying to be brave.

Here I stand, 
Ready to fight.