I've been single for 5 months now. Some of you will say that's nothing. I say it's a lifetime...
I started dating when I was 14 (this does not include the one "boyfriend" I had in 5th grade...). He was my first real kiss. After he dumped me for not letting him go any further than kissing, I was devastated. Back then, I was the kind of girl who put everything into a person. Heart, soul...hope.
At 15, I got a new boyfriend. He was from West and had a car. Again, I put everything in to the relationship and at that age, kids were sexually active. NOT ME. This boyfriend told me who wouldn't have sex with anyone unless he was in love. And low and behold, the next time we hung out, he told me he loved me. Now if that isn't a 'playa playa' in the making! I told him I liked him, but did not love him. He didn't get laid and I didn't get my date for the Turnabout dance because he dumped me.
Right after that I started dating one of my best friends, I broke up with him, then started dating another friend. (Never said that I was never at fault for break ups). I met Larry while I was still dating someone, broke up with him and started dating Larry. I was 16.
17, 18 then 19 years old came around. I was still with Larry. Around my 19th birthday, Larry proposed. I said yes. We were engaged. On Mother's Day I took a pregnancy test which came back positive. Saturday January, 27th and had a beautiful baby boy, Payton. When Payton was 5 months old, Larry and I got married. It was a small back yard wedding at my parent's house and we had a reception after. Flash forward a year and a half, December 2008. I had become sick, dizzy, and my heart had become to race a couple times per day. After almost passing out we decided to go to the hospital. There, I found out I was pregnant. Another baby! Flash forward 7 months. July 2008. After coming home from a routine doctor visit I found Larry's wedding ring on the counter. He had left me. My marriage was over. Thursday August 6, 2009 my water broke and I went into labor. Larry decided not to come to the birth of Tyler, I did it without him, without anyone. The divorce was final January 2010.
I had started dating one of my best friends after the divorce. He picked up the pieces of my heart and tried so hard to glue them back together. I just wasn't ready. After 2 years of being together, I left him.
Right after that, I started dating the worst mistake of my life. I never...NEVER regretted being with anyone except for him. Sociopathic sad excuse for a human being. I put up with his bull shit for a year. This relationship killed whatever self worth I had left from the many failed relationships before. Emotionally damaging, I still have not recovered from this.
And here I sit. 5 months after the break up with the psycho. My heart has been trying to tell my mind that it's time to let someone in. My mind has taken over and is still emotionally exhausted from the failure that this life is. And here I sit, thinking, maybe it is time? Move slow...Listen to your broken and shattered heart for the cure that it needs. And here I sit, scared that if I let another in, let another handle my heart...if it breaks again, there will be no glue strong enough to put the pieces together again.
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