This Is Me

I Am Me.

I am me.  I am not that skinny.  I have 2 kids.  I cry a little looking back at how I looked when I was in high school (skinny).  I usually only wear one pair of jeans because the rest of them I don't like the way they look on me.  I usually only wear dark colored clothes because I don't like the attention I think the bright colors will draw to me.  I usually wear baggier clothes because I don't like things hugging my imperfections.  I don't wear turtle necks or necklaces because I don't like things on my neck.  I don't have my ears pierced because putting the earrings in my ears make me sick just thinking about them going through my skin.  My laugh is loud and obnoxious.  I laugh when I am: nervous/ happy/depressed/in thought/drunk/mad, you get it....laughing is my default.  I don't cope well with hard to take news.  I pretend things don't exist if I don't want to deal with it.  My house isn't always clean, I will never tackle all the laundry in my house.  I get angry...a lot.  I always question why, why me?  What did I do?  I don't dress girly, and when I do I feel ridiculous.  I don't have fingernails because I bite them when I am nervous/bored/happy/sad/mad...that is my default also.  I am of Italian, Indian, German descent although the Italian is most prominent in my hair color and skin tone.  I have never had a successful relationship.  I am divorced.  I do not have many close friends.  I have more guy friends than girlfriends because I can't stand the way girls act most of the time.  I love to flirt.  I like to see how far I can take things.  I like to push people's buttons.  I'm pretty shy and quiet when I first meet someone.  I have a lot of balls when I am texting but could never say most things to one's face.  I have never hit anyone in the face but often fantasize about doing so. I work in IT.  I am the only woman on my IT team which makes it a little awesome (because I don't want to try and get along with other girls).  I like to cuddle up in my bed and watch the Lifetime channel on weekends.  That said, if I lay in bed for too long, I get a headache and my day is ruined (so why not spend it being un-showered and in bed watching Lifetime...).  I love watching re-runs of 90s sitcoms like Friends, Roseanne, Boy Meets World, Seinfeld, Home Improvement, Step by Step, and Grace Under Fire.  I am socially awkward.  I am extremely sarcastic, and use that as a defense.  I get anxiety a lot.  I only go out with my friends.  If I go out with other people, I'm usually the one who is awkward and weird and doesn't talk.  I'm somewhat of a homebody.  It usually takes some coaxing to get me out of the house, but when I do, I have a pretty good time.  My sisters make me laugh until I cry.  When we go out we're usually the loudest people in the restaurant, just on how much we laugh and talk.  I go to my parent's house every Tuesday for dinner.  I hate letting my feelings show, and that makes people think I'm strong willed.  I break down, just not in front of people.  I get my feelings hurt, but why let that slow you down?  Crying about it won't change anything.  I would love to pick up and move to a different state and start over.  I am forgetful.  I am living with a condition called a shattered heart.  I lose hope.